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Friday, January 10, 2014

A Sleeping Sort of Day

I have been sleeping a lot since I stopped working.  Ending my time (for now, I always say) at San Jose State has been a wonderful liberation in that I am finally getting enough sleep.  Last night I dreamed I was at a huge dance lesson for a Haitian ritual; everyone had top hats as props (Baron Samedi, one of the Loas of Haitian voodoo, wears a top hat, sunglasses, and a tux), and everyone was supposed to wear red.  The variety of red clothing was amazing in my dream:  I had on a long red dress, but some people wore old red sweaters (some of which were the same pattern as a few of mine in real life).  The class was taught by two women, and there were people from young to old there.

I feel better today.  The nausea has gone and with it, the falling hair (they seem to go hand in hand) I don't want to discount going back to work--if I could be liberated from the sheer drudgery of grading, that would be enticing, but there's few academic jobs without that, and I am very likely never to really move up in my job.  That's fine with me, but I have to ask myself if I want to trade this time of increasingly good health and emotional stabilization for being a university teacher again.  The truth is, it's not a good trade, right now. I feel less anxious and overwhelmed when I teach.

Thistle "graduated" from therapy today because her adoption is coming up in February and she is being transferred out of the county's services for her (we have others in place).  Her therapist talked with us today (CG went, too) about how Thistle had been so small and fragile and did not talk or smile.  I remember how many delays she had, too.  We shared what an incredibly amazing journey this has been for everyone, but most of all for Thistle.  I don't credit myself as being the sole arbiter of her healing:  I have had a lot of help.  And the end result is this wonderful little girl (who just came up and gave me a "shot" from the doctor kit I got her for Christmas).

Regarding the Course in Miracles, I seem to have a greater ease and a lot less resistance this time (it's been about a bazillion times that I have started it but since I am not working a job now, I think I have got more time for it).  I have been trying to apply each lesson to something in my day (sort of like a talisman for that reading--I am a very visual and tactile person and having talismans on a journey is important to me).  Last night when I took my Imuran, I applied the idea that "this Imuran does not mean anything" to it, and I did not have the same, "Okay, here goes the poison" attitude I have generally had when I took it.  Attitude is about half the battle with chemo and once a person can get their minds pointed more towards the help and less towards the hurt, chemo tends to work better.  I am not looking for immediate changes here, as I think the changes that happen in the Course are very likely gradual.

I am starting to branch out again into the world, and am glad.