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Thursday, January 09, 2014

Chemo Cap

Here is my new chemo cap  (I got this on Etsy from a woman who makes these caps.  She was out of dragonfly fabric so I chose a tidepool theme).  These selfies are not the greatest picture of me, but these are not for a beauty contest..  I will be buying a couple more caps from this nice woman.  The cap is very well-constructed and I can wear it both with my hair down and also tucked in.  My remaining hair is getting a bit straggly and I need to get it trimmed up a lot.  It is easier to tuck it in the cap.

I think this works a bit better for when I am home especially.  I now have sores in the balding areas, which is not attractive at all and probably has to do with me not putting sunblock on my head (I have to use sunblock even when it is winter now as Imuran makes my skin very sensitive, though sunblock really helps).  The cap is made of cotton so it is not irritating to a tender scalp.

CG brought this to me from the mailbox on the road.   When he saw what it was, he said, "I figured you had ordered one," and it was the first time I heard his voice catch, even a little, through this.  His mother had ovarian cancer and he was one of her caregivers through it.  I know this is painful for him.  He tells me not to shield him from the worst:  he is the only person who has been willing to listen to my fears and celebrate my little triumphs in this.  This is the hardest road to ever walk with another human being, to accompany them literally to the banks of the Styx, all the way into the silence.

Still, every day brings me a little bit further from the fear of death to the acceptance and knowledge that these days are to be savored and cherished.  I will save my life by every means that Spirit offers me because it is a declaration that my life is precious and that it matters.  All things bear the watermark of impermanence, even the stars and planets, but that does not make them any less than the miracles they truly are.  Perhaps even Spirit dies and is reborn, over and over.  Who is to say?  At any rate, I am learning to choose love over fear, even in this challenging time. It has been the greatest gift of all.