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Monday, January 20, 2014

Lotus (pastel)

Here is another drawing that I made many years ago, when my sister died.  I can see a lot of that particular life story in this work:  the darkness at the borders especially, and the lotus at the center of the darkness.  It's a bit rough-looking here; the original is layered many times with pastel and then smudged over and over until I got the textured effect that I like.  I think I would have handled the "aura" around the lotus a bit differently, perhaps picking up bits of the pinks and greens ever-so-slightly.  It seems a bit sad to me, but there is the light at the heart.

Not working right now is hard to get my mind around as the semester approaches, but there is the real sense I have made the right decision now.  I feel fine, with no chemotherapy effects (except the bald spots which are now filling in with fine, fuzzy hair) even though I am still on Imuran (lifelong, most likely), as I have NO pain or debility anywhere in my body now, completely.  I feel like all the physical exercise and dance is really "showing" through the pain and stiffness that always seemed to cover it. This drawing reminds me of the possibility of healing.  I want to remember this and not that my sister died of the illness we shared.  I know for sure she would have wanted me to live and thrive.

We cannot prevent all the bad things in the world from happening.  We can, however, choose our responses as best we can, and when we blow it (as I did spectacularly, and abundantly, recently), we can make amends to the people we have hurt, try to forgive them and ourselves, and move forward.  There is only moving forward, not back. Everyone makes mistakes, and I would like to think that people are the sum of their goodness and not of their errors.  I am glad I have the Course in Miracles to support what I am starting to learn, and I am extremely grateful for the time to spend thinking about my life and what I want to do with this expanse of real time.