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Friday, January 24, 2014

The Late Show

Coming into my office to say goodnight, CG finds me crying over some old emails from last month.

"I feel like a bad person for saying horrible things to someone I really care about," I say.

He reminds me we have had a few rather choice words between us over the years, too.

"Not like this," I say.  I start crying again.

He sits on the floor and hands me a handkerchief.  Then he says, "What are you seeing?"

"The past." (see, I really am getting something from the Course in Miracles"

"And has everyone apologized, including yourself?"


"Then you need to be in the here and now, not a month ago.  You know that.  It's disrespectful to everyone who said they were sorry and tried to find something positive to say, including yourself, and you are beating yourself up, too. The bad things are gone.  Don't let them in the room again."

We talk about two or three things I can do when I "see only the past."  Stargaze.  Knit.  Take out my paints and paint polka-dots or something if I can't do anything else.  Maybe write in a journal--though unlike other things, writing is NOT purgative for me; it taps into some very deep places in my psyche and my emotional reserves.  Get out and take a walk.  Do some of the games I like on my Kindle.  Read.

Then he asks me if I would like to hear something.  I say yes, and he reads me a document from his computer.  It is the part of our homestudy that talks about how we feel regarding the other parent/co-adopter, especially crucial for us because we are friends co adopting (he let me copy this--real names of the parties are changed):

"Joanie is the most brilliant, beautiful, courageous, true person I have ever met in my life and my travels around the globe.  She is deeply intuitive, loving, and generous.  There is no fiercer advocate for children and the downtrodden, and the effect she has had on Thistle is living proof of her patience, kindness, and willingness to give unselfishly of her time and effort.  Thistle came to us nearly mute, undernourished, traumatized, and developmentally delayed because of severe neglect  In less than a year, because of Joan's love and her intuitive sense of what this little girl needed, Thistle became a happy child who now, two years later, exceeds all of her her developmental markers and is being recommended for a school for gifted children.  In short, Joanie took a child under her wing whose situation was critical and possibly hopeless and literally brought her back to life.  I consider her work with Thistle to be on the level of the miraculous. This is why I am honored to accept my role as coparent with her."

I started crying because these were kind words. I do not let myself know these things about myself.  I feel that if I do, I will not be able to just DO them; I would be thinking about my own greatness or something, that my giant ego would get in the way of any good I could do.  I told CG I appreciated that he thought I had a few redeeming factors, which made him laugh.  He said that other people probably see some of these things in me, too.

He went to bed, and I have decided to stargaze and to knit, and be a bit easier on myself.