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Sunday, January 12, 2014

Working on the New Old Look

Although I don't think too many people really read blogs anymore (though I am finding this an enjoyable experience, partially because of the quietude here)--at any rate, I am working on my blog template, having accidentally erased the original one.  Even though Blogger has some layout templates and stuff,  it will take time and so please excuse any off-centered pictures or oddly-placed gadgets.  It takes thoughtfulness and tinkering to fix some of those things (though I have a resident computer genius, I try to do things like this on my own so I can learn, not just have him step in and fix problems).

I sang with the Voice Weavers  tonight and made several mistakes, but really enjoyed it.  I had an experience tonight I have not yet had:  the person who comes to sing and then gets combative with the choir director, thinking they know more about music than her.  That was, in my opinion, very disrespectful and out of line, though the director handled it well.  I've seen it happen in dance once in awhile, too.  I think it's important to respect the director (it's not like she doesn't make small mistakes, but to get combative with her about things is really not what the group is all about and it was uncomfortable).  Still, we ended up on a good note. :)

I am on another lesson in the Course in Miracles and very much liked the lesson today, which boils down to "you are never upset for the reason you think."  In 12-steps, this thinking is encouraged because it gives you a few extra seconds or minutes to pause and breathe before dealing with a difficult situation which requires right action (and oh, I wish I followed this more often!).  I can see the workability for most situations:  my question is (of course I know I will have questions):  what do you do when someone in your life does something horrible to you, like rob you?  I would KNOW the reason I was upset in that circumstance--because I got robbed!)  Maybe not to react to the robbery with the cognitive distortion of, "Okay, that proves it:  I will ALWAYS get robbed, ergo sum, my life is one big pile of garbage."

People carry with them a great deal of past resonances in dealing with situations that hurt.  I see pictures on Facebook of someone entering a family that I so wanted to be some part of, even a little bit, and never will now, and I got very sad (CG saw me crying over a photo of sourdough waffles, for God's sake, and he reminded that I have a wonderful Santa Cruz sourdough starter that I made right here and which creates an incredibly light and subtly flavored bread--and then told me HE would like to make sourdough bread with me sometime and so would Thistle, so I am not the total outcast from humanity I was trying to convince myself I was).  He is good at reminding me I am valued and cared for and that I have worth, which I appreciate, and I remember the 12-step slogan, "Don't compare your inside with someone else's outside!"

Anyway, reverting to what I learned today: I was sad primarily for the reason of the loss, and behind that is the sadness of never feeling I belong in any family, including the one I grew up in, and behind that, that I will never be good enough, pretty enough, rich enough, thin enough, etc etc for anyone to really love me, that I will always be "less than".  It is an old mind-chatter. Becoming aware of the deep roots behind a grief doesn't obviate the grief entirely, but it helps me see that there are other factors besides the one I think I see.  Bringing something to light helps.  Becoming aware of cognitive dissonances also helps (my therapist and psychiatrist both work with such things, but it takes work on my own also, not just when I am in the therapy office).

Well, these are not the happiest thoughts, but perhaps they are necessary ones!  I am sitting in Thistle's room while CG reads her a book.  And so the day comes to a quiet end.  Thistle and I have a day to ourselves tomorrow:  glitter-paint pictures and probably cupcakes also.  And so it is.