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Saturday, February 08, 2014

The Way Forward

I am moving forward, no matter how the grief-stone in my solar plexus feels.  It is getting a little lighter every week.  Soon it will be the size of a hen's egg, then a marble, then a petal.  Where love dwelled, a scar will form, sealing away the pain like burnt honey in a glass jar.  I will not be the same person again, having passed through this.  I will be stronger, but always, as it is with this, something more-something more of my innocence--is lost forever.

That is what it is like to grow up, a process that never really seems to end.

I loved being in the writing circle today--seeing people I have not seen in a few months, laughing, talking about our stories, feeling loved and cherished, accepted, writing prompts--these things I have missed.  I am beginning to wake up again.  I am so grateful for my friends right now.

This waking is good. It is healthy. I would have rather my life gone another way.  Perhaps that life goes on in some other universe, blooming into a better version of itself, somewhere unseen.  But that is not my life now.  As broken as the path is, as many times as things go dark and I can't find my way, I have to believe that the sheer will to get through, will get me through. 

I guess I should add that I am still reading the Course in Miracles, but I am finding so many parallels with Zen that I might as well turn towards my Zen texts in conjunction with it.  I'm starting to keep a notebook with considerations of Zen and the Course in Miracles.  I feel a bit obliged to finish the Course simply because it is very comforting right now, but Zen is my heart and soul, and my refuge in the storm.

It may take a long time to say I am healed, but I am definitely doing better.