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Saturday, April 05, 2014

A Dance Dream

CG told me this morning that I looked sad and I told him I had dreamed  I was at the African dance class that I can no longer attend.  In the dream I felt absolutely loved by the  people in the class.  I know several people there who have contacted me about when I am coming back...I do not tell anyone my real concerns, which I think are reasonable ways to feel right  now.  I have no other reason to feel differently. It breaks my heart to feel this way because that past was a time when I felt much less afraid than I am today, when I felt whole and believed truly that I was loved, however much of an illusion it sadly was. I know this sadness will pass in time. Time is a good healer.  Everyone has to endure such changes

It simply takes a long time to emotionally heal.  It takes time and resolve to commit to being a better person than you were. It takes resolve not to side with those who live their lives just seeing how much they can take from others, to not live under their flag of entitlement.  I am determined to be a better and compassionate person from all this. I have come across so many people who wear the costume of empathy and compassion, only to find they are false to the bone. It is easy to mouth the words of peace and still be an absolute cesspit inside....believe me, I have done it myself. Plus, sometimes those who are mouthing the words are wanting to really be that way and looking inside, especially without help, is too much.  I have a long way to go myself and simply feel sad at witnessing enormous folly.  I want to be remembered as truly good, genuinely compassionate, but also as someone with courage and a backbone. I don't want to be known as anything less.  There are people in this world who see another's vulnerability and would destroy it because their own vulnerability has been destroyed for them in some time and place, or because they cannot be reminded of how broken they are inside.  The people who treat us worst are often deeply pained and broken, and often do not know how to find the way to heal.  There is no one I have ever met whom I think is too broken to heal.

Speaking of vulnerability, it is another chemo hurdle for me...the initial hair loss has slowed down, but I was warned there would be cumulative side effects...I am gradually getting more numbness in my fingers and toes, more tiredness at night, and so short of breath also at night, when my body's resistance is lower.  It makes me triple my determination to make my body as strong and healthy as I can, to fight both my illness and its cure. What I go through is so little compared to what others endure. Perhaps even in this I can be grateful.