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Thursday, June 19, 2014

More Fallout

I am taking a Thursday night dance class in the American Tribal Style format, with a wonderful teacher, and just got into the Level 2 class.

Even so, my body image has been trashed to the ground....inevitable given the level of deception. I was told I am I?  I do not believe it now.  Everything, every good thing I was told was probably not true. My body has forgotten its fluidity.  The small triumphs of self esteem are gone. Maybe this was that person's intent, to tear away dance, writing, my job, the nanowrimo experience in November, all those things and more, because I am an accomplished person, a woman who worked hard for everything she has, and God forbid there should be an accomplished woman in the world.  If I did this to another..not talking about a few angry outbursts, but years and years of subtly chipping away at self esteem..if I did this to another, I would be very ashamed of myself and would at least apologize, and at greatest, try to make amends. Even a real apology...a simple one without a cargo of justification behind it...would help, but there was no apology like that.

Even so, no matter how hard this is going to be, I will rebuild this life again. I am rebuilding it now. I will learn to dance again, and laugh from my belly, and look in the mirror to see a beautiful and worthy woman.