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Monday, July 07, 2014

I Think What It Is

I think some of my bewilderment and sadness over the last few days, why I fail to be really over a devastating sequence of events seven months ago, is that I had to deal with sudden unemployment, personal rejection, the uncovering of someone's secrets that were horrifying to me, chemo, nearly passing away, and being diagnosed as bipolar 2, with a change in meds that was difficult for me--all these were too much, all at once, and I feel now that my mind and spirit will never really recover from these.  I have been through a lot of life and a lot of difficult experiences, and I believe this sequence of events broke me in some fundamental way.  There are things people never return from

By the way, I often re-explain that sequence of events to catch-up any new readers, which I get at least once a day (and appreciate a great deal).

It is okay to be broken.  I suppose I should fight harder so as not to give the person in question, who had a huge hand in both this and my breakdown (by rejecting me so fundamentally afterwards, as if I were tainted), the satisfaction of knowing I will not finish most of my life's work now.  I can't.  I cannot find the spirit or the spark to do it.  I do maintain hope that this will change, but it certainly hasn't yet.

There are times you just have to accept what it, and know you are about at the best you can be.  There are people you love in this world who will just abuse by keeping a friendship or relationship going even though they know they are going to end it--who will prey on someone's caring or love to hoard as much as they can, like a tick.  There are people incapable of having long-term relationships because they do not know that love changes over time, that people have crises and sometimes only want to talk about it, not have someone jump in and do stuff for them, which is what I personally wanted--just a shoulder so I could talk and then get back out into the fray myself.

People's lives are messy sometimes, and if you look forever for that perfect one, you will be disappointed until the end of time.  Love changes over a long relationship and that initial wild romance--that mellows into the deep and fundamental caring which some do not understand really IS love--they have a limited idea of these things.

Anyways, this is a venting sort of post, but hopefully someone out there will resonate with this process.