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Saturday, July 12, 2014

I Wake

I wake feeling better, without the crush of grief, even though I dreamed of the person in question, as a spirit, all in white, with transparent white skin and hair.  Perhaps the angels of our better nature visit each other in sleep, no matter how great the rift.

Unfortunately (or perhaps fortunately), wanting an iced coffee before going home today after bodywork (yes, sounds like a privilege, and I suppose it is except for the good it does for my physical and emotional health), I unfortunately saw the person in question's car (I saw a make and color of car that he has, but it's probably the most common car around ).  I did not even register that it was his car until I nearly drove past it (there were spaces at the end of the row which I was heading for), and so I left without stopping and went to another place.  There is no way I am going to disturb that person until such time as they want to interact with me and my presence is NOT a disturbance.  People have a right to do whatever they like and I have no wish to intrude--even though I would have loved to have seen and talked with them, it really is not my right until the other person wants it, too--heartbroken as I am over it, I have to accept that they may never, ever wish to talk to me again, but heartbroken or not, I still have to accept what is. There is a saying in Al-Anon that I really love: "I will accept what is and not try to adjust everthing to my own desires".

Still--odd coincidence.

I used to hate when I was with S. ( a long ago ex) and his ex-girlfriend would stalk him--it was so frickin weird.  She would see his car when we were having coffee and just pop in, hug him, hang all over him, and show up at his house unannounced. Once, she came in at dinnertime and sat right down and had a meal with us.  It really was extremely undignified for someone I got to know as a very, VERY nice woman--I mean, I had no choice but to know her since she joined us for dinner and coffee and pizza a lot--and yet she still felt she had a right to pop in unannounced.  My ex was very passive and never seemed to want to do a thing about it.  I never had a problem socializing with her, but about not letting go!!  I mean, I'm sad as all-f**k at least half the time as things move on, but not willing to act like some vulture sitting around.

Well, it is time for my dance class now--we  are having a workshop and doing some of the prop work--so today I will roll around on the ground, balancing my sword on my head.  I have to remember I am strong.