Months Old Emails: Cannot Believe

Looking at months-old emails with a calmer eye, I cannot believe what I am reading, chilling in their nonchalance.

What did I not see--maybe with an unconscious willingness?  Maybe I didn't see anything at all.  Maybe it was all hidden, cleverly.  

All I did, as I read, was shake my head and say, "Oh, God," over and over.  The last time I had seen these was with an ill, shocked mind, a few weeks into new bipolar meds that had not yet taken effect, and so ill with the start of my chemotherapy. Half the time I was in the bathroom being sick, sweeping my hair off the floor and cleaning handfuls of strands from the tub.  The other half of the time, I was in bed sick.

I am still saying it, even now, a whisper to God, from the perch of my good physical and emotional health, this hard-earned jewel I took from one of the worst times in my life.

Why?