To read an excerpt from the book, please click on the following link:

ashaveilbook.blogspot.com


Thursday, July 10, 2014

Upwelling

I was at dance practice tonight and suddenly had an upwelling of ungrieved grief over the pregnancy I mentioned in my last post. I was so afraid then...I went into my journals tonight and found the entries for that time. I am saddened by the fear that was in my heart...perhaps the other person would have been happy, or a host of other emotions, but I think they had the right to know, and I failed at my moral resolve, or my courage, to tell them. Perhaps it is because I wanted to have the information to myself for a few weeks; perhaps I knew the pregnancy was going to end. Still, as I drove home tonight, I thought about the baby that was not as being why I still feel a part of this person's family, that I too carried a part of that lineage. I should have communicated about it. I am sorry I did not...it was such a brief time, a couple of weeks, maybe three, and then it was gone. Until tonight, I have not really connected with the grief. I did not let myself grieve then because I was so afraid of the other person finding out. I had seen the reaction before and it really, really scared me.

I think I will go to the nursery and maybe buy a pretty miniature rose, and plant it in honor of the little life. I know the other person will never know, and perhaps that is a good thing...why sadden another person unduly, especially when it no longer matters? I am sure I would have been treated with much less respect and caring that a person carrying another's child should be treated.

Anyways, a rose for a little life that came to the threshold and went away. And I will do my grieving, late as it is.