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Friday, July 11, 2014

What Occurs to Me

My therapist and I talked today about why my grieving process is so hard for me--I have many, many good days, but the bad days are still very bad. She said that the other party has been exceptionally cruel to me, for one thing, about not talking to me--I thought maybe we would have a break of a few months, and then perhaps talk some more about the situation, but it is, I think, a total break and there is no closure at all. I feel I can't go anywhere to any activities we shared unless I am fairly certain the other person is not there...not because I don't want to see them, but because there were some things written to me that really concerned me, and I have no reason to believe they are not going to become true.

Frankly, I don't want to have them disturb any events, etc. I know they would be kicked out permanently from events if they did anything like that, but I can't handle the stress of this, which outweighs the fun of seeing a movie, going to a concert, skating, swimming, etc., which is why I stay home. Without communication, I have no idea what to do--it is hard when you live in a small town and shared a lot of activities with someone. I'm even afraid to go to my second-favorite coffee shop because the other person goes there to work. I think it means that I have to break the ice gently, but only for the reason of trying to work out schedules...I have zero desire to invade their privacy, or see them again unless they want such a thing.  A friend from my old writing group has volunteered to break the ice about me returning somehow to the group, but I am afraid that will put them in the line of fire.

This person's family, by the way, continues for the most part to be very kind to me.  I am glad, because losing all of them too would just put some light out in me for a long time.  I love this family and it is hard to let go of it all.  Perhaps I have no right to their caring, but I so appreciate it with all my heart.

 None of this needed to be.

 I would never wish these sad days on anyone.

I think I will do some dance practice now, if only to stop the tears, for now.  I can never believe that this person wanted me to go through such suffering.