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Sunday, September 07, 2014

up too late; sad and disheartened

Printing out the spate of emails in December and January from the person in question, as I feel I need to have copies of some of them..some strange, intuitive feeling about needing copies. The cognitive dissonance between his emails and the person I cared for so much is the vastest gulf imaginable.  Who was the real person?  Was it all smoke and mirrors?  How can all this emerge from such a fine, intelligent, truly brave family whom I continue to deeply love? How?  And how can I have allowed myself to be gaslighted, for years?  This person is nowhere in the ballpark of my intelligence, yet I thought this person far more intelligent than me, and I worshiped what I thought I saw. After nine months of time, I see that I am the one with the formidable mind, the intellect that soars light years above his, and yet I hid my light for some reason I do not yet know.  I am a professor, a writer with publications anyone would be proud of, a mother, an adoptive grandparent who walked into a drug den, picked up my granddaughter, and walked out.   Yet as I read these old emails, I see a torn and anguished person with a trashed self-esteem.

I think that there are some things in life that are so dissonant with reality that it takes years to close the gulf.  This will be one of those things, which is why I have said it will take years to get over, to really trust anyone again.  The final sadness over this is that I do not trust people now, because I have not done all the work to close the gulf.  It takes time to do that, sometimes years.  The last time it happened to me, it took three years to finally come to the point where I no longer cried at least once a day.  And curiously, that person came back after four years and wrote me perhaps the most beautiful letter/email I have ever received.  He said simply that he would do things very differently today, and he did this with the most gentle humility. There were other, personal things, but I appreciated being told this thing in particular. Once, long before we hurt each other, he said that he was convinced that I was created as a completely unique person filled with a light that many bad people had tried to stamp out because they had no light in themselves.

I believe this is what happened this last time: this person saw my light, my spirit, and my intelligence, and for a time, loved them, and then he spent the rest of the time trying to extinguish them. We are driven by such deeply unconscious forces that who knows if this was at all personal?  Perhaps I could have been any woman at all.

If you come here, interested in him, and look at these nine months of anguished, painful writing, as I pray to God you will, know that this anguish will be yours, in time, because some people have conditions of the human spirit that may never go away.  If you have a light in your heart, intelligence, and anything else that the other party does not have, by the time you get out, these things will be something you will have to work unconscionably hard to find again.  You will be abandoned over and over to all the difficulties of your life. You will be called psychotic, delusional, and crazy by the very person you have spent years nurturing, encouraging, and being kind to, if you get a glimpse behind the mask. You will find things out that will tear your heart down to the ground.  Mark well my words.  You will have to crawl through this desert on your knees as I have done these nine months.

It has not been easy for me to remember who I am after all this, but I am returning.

I take all this, this idea that there are people out there who see the light in another and endeavor to destroy it, and I will pour this too into my book.  It is all I can do, to help the eclipsed light emerge again from the shadows.