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Wednesday, October 29, 2014

Changing Tide

I have had two very busy and fruitful days just getting ready for Halloween.  It is really fun to see Thistle so excited about this!  She always seems to have two costumes at the ready (a bee costume and a fairy costume, this year).  It's been both exhilarating and tiring to get ready for this holiday.  I'm trying to figure out how to dress her more warmly--she is the type to run around in short sleeves and proclaim that she is not cold when her lips are turning blue.

Next month at this time, she will be my daughter, as well as my granddaughter.  I got her new medical card today in the mail, with her new name on it (her first name and my last name.  I never had a child who shared my birth name; all the others had their dad's surname).  I feel like I have summited Everest and K2 and Annapurna all at once.

I am about to put in for retirement, as it is time and I am feeling good about this choice.  I received more adoption assistance funds than I thought I would have and, given that my house will be paid off in three years,  I do not think I have as much to worry about.  What I am now, is the mother/grandmother of a beautiful five-year-old girl, and have been called on by Spirit to do this work.  Sometimes Spirit asks of us very ineffable things, things we don't know the meaning of at the moment they happen.  I think that is where faith and trust really abide, in situations like this.

The tide is going out for Thistle's great-grandmother, the mother of my ex-husband; she is in her nineties and her body is shutting down.  We always had a very conflicted relationship, but became good friends when she forgot, as she grew older, that she hated me.  That was just fine with me: we watched Downton Abbey and other stuff on PBS, and talked about being grandmothers, and I brought her flowers three months ago at her birthday.  She is dying peacefully at home and tonight I told her I loved her and meant it.

It is strange to see someone in the same state I was in last year, sleeping continuously...but the dying process as I began to experience it last year was gentle and very body seemed to float between worlds and the only difficult part was when I would gasp for breath and come back.  I watched her drift in and out of consciousness this evening and thought of how much a dying person acts like a newborn, with the same short periods of waking and falling into deep sleep.

Life is too short and too precious to hold any grudges.  I am glad that all the interactions I've had with her in the last three years have been kind ones.