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Monday, December 01, 2014


I don't really want to look back in my journal or calendar to see when the actual anniversary of this loss is.  I'm sad today, but okay.  Most of the early part of last year just fell into a black hole of memory because of the trauma.  My friend Casey said that anyone who does that to someone newly on chemotherapy and in such grave danger as I was, will one day find themselves in the same situation, even if the trappings are different.  I don't want that to happen, but there are people in my inner circle who saw what I went through this year and are still saddened by it.  I am, too, but I realize that anyone who comes close to him will experience what I have, sooner or later, and as hard as that is, it tells me it is not about me.  I did very little wrong in that relationship, though I wish I could go back and change what I did do.

Still, the grief can be bearable, though I miss what I thought this person was, to me.  And still I hope for at least some knowledge of peace between us.  I was, for so long, the one who listened to all his troubles and his happinesses, and tried hard to help him with things whenever I could.  I never told him he couldn't grieve for a lost love: I held his hand and listened to him cry, and even offered to help place a headstone at her unmarked grave.  So many women would just freak out over those things.  Relationships aren't about one partner first, and then the other if it's convenient: relationships are about both people and balancing those needs.

Anyways, a couple of very difficult days and then I suppose I will come to my senses and keep working--the one thing I can do is write, and work.