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Friday, December 12, 2014

No Way

There is a planned reunion for a dance class I took for many, many years. At first, I leapt to it, then realized: I sought approval from this teacher for so many years...I have a fantastic teacher now in a similar genre and feel my confidence growing, but I still carry remnants of a time when I felt I was not good enough and never would be. I must refuse to get involved again...I cannot be away from Thistle for a weekend anyways, but I also cannot get involved in guru worship is a dangerous place for me to go.  I seek approval from inappropriate people: from that teacher and from m., who rejected me so cruelly, who describes me on a public forum as not even having basic mental health, and still from whom the slightest word makes me happy...I must remember that most people do not treat me as he did. When there is a real apology from him, maybe...but until then, I must be careful.

There is risk and danger in trying to remake and reorder the past with people, to try and make things right again.  There is no sense in that delusion, only a compounding of the sadness I already have over these people.