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Thursday, January 01, 2015

Going Back to Square One

One of m.'s siblings unfriended me on Facebook today.  It made me sad.  I felt like calling m. himself to talk about it, but I can't, of course..  I went to download a little video of m. and me skating, which I love, and some pictures of us skating also, a time when I was so happy and when I know for sure that I made him happy, too. I did not want to lose these pictures if his sibling deleted them.  It is okay to cry over these lost things. 

My friend said tonight, "You know, none of you are dead, and when m. and you are at least good friends again, as you will be in time, she can re-friend you if she wants. "  It is true...such things do happen.  I don't think we ever know how much pain we cause others just by small things.  I am glad his other family members have me on retainer, as it were, a little, though I need to be prepared in time if they need to go away, too.  I love seeing their kids grow up and hear the stories of these good people.  I have very little to model a healthy family life on and they do help me, whether they know it or not. 

I have my own regrets: I wish I had waited, a little, to end my connection with m.--my mind so raw from chemo and exhaustion from kidney disease, which alone makes people muddle-headed.  My therapist told me that he could also have displayed a cooler head and told me to calm down and wait til he got home to talk, in person.  I wish I had just waited, but these are all wishes and cannot change behaviors I regret.  You have to have willingness from the other person, and if he had been willing, he would have called or messaged, emailed, etc.  There were none of those things, and there are none now.

I also went to my email also to make sure the correspondence from our actual blow-up were still there, as they contain very sad but crucial and critical information which is of a private nature (I have the most important ones printed out and put away, but all of them are important) I never read them, just search through a little with keywords to make sure they are there, but tonight I read the first few and the pain just returned like a tsunami
.  It was a time when we should have been in therapy if only to end our connection sanely and respectfully, and worked out our various activities, etc.  There was none of that. 

 I am at least glad he was nice to me when I saw him in November and did not return the little Christmas card I sent.  I felt worried he would not have any cards or gifts on Christmas, as he used to tell me it had been a lonely holiday for him before I came along.  I always tried to make the holidays beautiful for him as best I could.  I remember quite a colorful pile of wrapping paper and ribbons!

My friend said the other night, "Given that you could never write about pregnancy, birth, kids, or marriage without severely upsetting m,, given that you were afraid to tell him when YOU got pregnant by him, how would he have reacted to a book  that is ALL about pregnancy and marriage, a book that demands 200 percent of your focus as a writer?"  That is food for thought.  It is as much about a woman and her baby as it is about the sadder things.

I can say that the only good thing out of this grief is the thing I say like a broken record: I will take this grief and remember it for this book.  I will be compassionate as best I can with those I talk to, always leaving the door open forever if they want to talk about Asha...I do not want to be just an "interviewer".  I will remember from the grief this night that some things never really resolve and that a too-strong touch can set it going again for someone, and a grief of great magnitude can overwhelm.  I will try to be courteous and gentle if her husband grants me some time to talk about Asha.  I will remember and try to extend compassion for all those who must live with the unthinkable.