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Monday, February 09, 2015

The Irony

Favorite quote (paraphrased) from a friend during this time:

"Police can't find (the addict), who is in the meantime chatting on Facebook.  What a world!"

I wish every addict could know how much heartache they cause for a family and friends, though that part does come later, I think, as part of the addict's recovery--really, the most important part now is that the addict gets clean, sober, and starts to try and figure out their life.

In the meantime, my sleep cycle is better and I no longer drive in dangerous areas of Santa Cruz looking for the addict.  I was very foolish to do that and edge closer to danger, but there were nights I could not sleep until I did so...and then didn't sleep.

Spent five hours today working on my Lompico house, scrubbing walls and cabinetsm and felt better.  I'm glad right now that I do not have anyone else working there with me.  The solitude and the rather mindless work both suit me right now.  I don't have to think, even though I am steeped in the past there.  At least I am organizing and making the place look nice.

I've completely lost my fire for Asha's book, though I promise to pick it up when I feel less wretched, probably in a week or two.  People have lost so much more than I could ever comprehend.  I'm completely unable to turn off the past and the parade of several sad memories, guilt, and fear for the addict's life.  Then I remember what I have learned in my 12-step programs, which completely changed my life for the good: how I wish now, in some ways, that I was dealing with the situation then, which was sad, but not with someone's life literally on the line, and someone I love headed for a fate with no really optimal path.  There has never been a time in my life where I have not had to deal with someone's addiction, and I am not sure anymore that anyone's family is immune completely from this scourge.

 I can only say that CG and I have helped the addict probably way more than we should with treatment programs, places to live, and endless trying.  At some point, you have to back off...though honestly, how do you back off when someone's life is on the line and they have that brashness of a person still in their 20s who believes they will never die?

Though this is selfish to say, I can't believe I have written all these years, with all these maelstroms around me, and done relatively well.  I can also look to my kids and realize they are such great adults, and feel proud of them....and that with the addict, the good person is still inside there...they always are. 

Let go, let God, is a motto in the 12-steps I love, but its invective is so hard to follow sometimes.