It Is What It Is

Friends got married this weekend, and I am reveling in the pictures on Facebook.  They had a lovely wedding, and are lovely people.  I did have twinges of sadness when I saw the photos: this was what I wanted with m., though we would not have had this type of wedding; maybe some hippie wedding someplace.  People used to refer to us as husband and wife, a first experience for me. I wonder if it was for him, too. Perhaps I did have a sense of it all, for the briefest time.  As they say in recovery, it is what it is. 

My online journaling is going very well.  I'm amazed at the amount of grief I am writing about, and I find it very purgative and healing.  There is a certain liberation in being able to write what you need and explore serious, disturbing issues without the entries showing up anywhere.  It's completely private, unlike a handwritten diary or a blog (you can make a blog private, but the first few lines of your latest entry will show up in a Google search).  I expect it will take more time to process what has turned out to be one of the top ten most traumatic things to happen to me, but at least I have a good outlet now.  And however long it takes for me, is the time it will take.  There are griefs that last forever, as I have learned with the story I am writing.