Opening the Heart Lotus

If you have been following this blog, you will find that I have been dealing with asthma and an intense course of prednisone therapy to deal with it. It is likely I would not be alive right now without this course of treatment, or at least very seriously impaired.

Prednisone is an extreme medication that quickly brings down life-threatening inflammation. At the same time, it can cause very serious side effects to the body and mind. It is used as a form of chemotherapy in some cancers--since cancer is unfortunately and sadly the disease we have to deal with often as a culture, perhaps it might be easier to remember that drugs used in chemotherapy are by nature very intense, with devastating side effects, and prednisone is no exception.

I am overwhelmed with love from many sectors--prayer, good wishes, loving kindness, suggestionns for dietary changes,people buying gluten free products for me to eat in their homes (sometimes a lot, which is extremely sweet and touching) and friends making commitments to not wear fragrances around me (an extreme asthma trigger). It is very hard for me when I plan to go out and have a fun night and then can't participate when someone is wearing perfume or smoking--and even worse when a cascade of triggers occurs and I end up in the hospital. And it's not like people are not being harmed, albeit silently, by the same triggers--it's just that my body reacts and shows it.

At the same time I have been treated lovingly, the people closest to me have had to deal with the most devastating side effects of high dose prednisone, the emotional effects on me. I do not sleep on prednisone; since May 31st, I have been averaging three to four hours sleep a night. Last night was the first night in sixteen days that I have got a full night's sleep. In addition, the prednisone revs me up and if I try to do normal activities like drive around, run errands, shop, participate in writing groups, etc., my brain on prednisone gets unbelievably wired and I call it "having a brainstorm." And I have come to call my treatment "dancing with Kali." It is hard on people to see and experience these emotional changes, and since they are intense and immediate, probably hard to remember that "this too shall pass."

As the prednsone dosage decreases, the side effects lessen, but not what it reveals about the "compassion capacity" of people. Devastating illness and treatment in a loved one is an opportunity and a journey, a means to walk the talk about compassion--it's one thing to have rehearsed the vocabulary of loving compassion because it sounds really good and brings you attention for being able to parrot it--and a far different thing to reach for strength, open the heart, and really practice it. I sadly learned this the hard way when I set too many boundaries with my sister during the course of a long and very difficult illness--because part of me did not believe my beloved older sister could die, and she did. She was my strong warrior sister and I believed she could vanquish anything simply by willing it for herself--and in my selfishness and fear, I lost precious time with her. It is very hard to learn a lesson in compassion and one's shortcomings and emotional deficits the hard way like this. I would not wish it on anyone. It is one of my greatest regrets in a chain of many.

I plan to get a new bumpersticker today to go with the "follow your bliss" already on my car, a quote from Thich Nhat Hahn: "We are here to awaken from the illusion of our separateness." And when I was very sick last week or so (timelines are gone right now from the memory loss) I had the revelation that one of the purposes of our life on earth is to "hold each other up." If we cannot be there for a loved one who is ill or struggling, if we fail to take a second to see things from the perspective of the other person and try to realize how difficult it is for them and it is not "always about us," or participate in their joys and sorrows, how can we be there for anything in life? The capacity for love and compassion comes from expanding the heart, even in difficult times. The heart is a lotus that shows its beauty most when it is fully open.