Thoughts While Dancing With Kali

I am doing better but am saddened by the reactions of certain people as I endure high-dose steroids to control asthma. The emotional side effects, which are hard to manage at the level I am taking them, seem to be all about the effect it has on THEM (I mean, "expectations are preprogrammed resentments," but sometimes serious illness in people do a great deal to show the mettle of others). The irony is that the most difficult reactions from people (re:: emotional side effects from a drug I have to take to save my life right now) are from the sector of the people who call themselves the most compassionate and groove on saving the environment. It's crucial to be dedicated to solving our horrific environmental problems, but to me it is hypocrisy to cry over the plight of dolphins, spout off about how compassionate you are and how you see the divine spark in everyone, plaster your house with spiritual books and icons--and then treat poorly someone in one's life who is ill and going through medical treatment.

I have an action plan of trying to stay in calm quiet rooms and stuff right now, doing quiet organizing tasks because predisone makes my brain want to organize things (my Itunes playlists never looked so great). I find that I feel worse if I try to go out and do anything but very minimal tasks. The world will be there when I get back, I tell myself.

I think that one problem with illnesses like lupus and asthma is that they are periodic. There are months, even years, I can feel perfectly well and then something will strike out of the blue. Perhaps that is the one thing that is frigtening to others--that a periodic illness which emerges like a dragon from a cave from time to time is a reminder of mortality. People do not want to be reminded of this, especially people who should by this age be understanding that when people get sick, it is because bodies get sick and sometimes the medical treatments needed to control it can be difficult. When a loved one is ill, it is a chance to really exercise love and compassion--and boundaries, yes, but not to make the other person feel bad.

I was also reminded by a dear young friend to stop saying negative things about my treament, such as saying it's like being on speed (which I have never taken, of course; I just assume that because predisone feels like I have had 400 espressos all at once)--that to say negative things about the treatment is to put up some resistance to taking it in. So I am calling predisone "dancing with Kali" instead.

The truth is, we will all have to deal with health issues on some level, whether it is in a lover, spouse, friend, parent, or child, and when someone is seriously ill, as I am right now, it is a chance to exercise the concept that "we are here to awaken from the illusion of our separateness." When your loved one is "dancing with Kali," it is important I think to remember some good slogans such as "this too shall pass" and that healing is a journey.