...crawl under the covers and read books all day. I am coming up on the one-year anniversary of my huge loss in December 2013 and honestly can hardly bear this painful time, again. Thanksgiving was the very last holiday we shared. I think it was probably unspectacular last year as I barely celebrated it at home (I had just started chemo) and do not recall bringing any food over, but trauma has washed a lot of the memories away of that immediate time. I remember getting a horrible feeling the very last time in the house that I would never enter that place again, and so it was, sadly enough.
I do feel it is going to take a couple more years to really get over this, but there will always be a scar. The fallout still is a great deal of torn-down self-esteem and a lingering sense of fear that everyone I know presents a false face to me. I know it was only one person out of many in my life right now, but it has happened before. What would it take to trust again? Not a miracle, but a huge amount of willingness and near-impeccable behavior from both parties.
Still, because I have a family, I have a Thanksgiving to make; otherwise, I'd really spend the day reading, or taking a walk, or watching movies, or serving dinner to homeless people or veterans. I can't bear to go to the Zen Center's Thanksgiving this year, fun as it always has been. I think I might be ready next year.
My name is Joan McMillan and this blog is, as Emily Dickinson says, "my letter to the world." I am currently working on a nonfiction book about the murder of a young woman, Asha Veil, born Joanna Dragunowicz, and her unborn daughter, Anina, on September 9, 2006. My book is meant to honor her life and illuminate the need to create a safer world for women and children.
To read an excerpt from the book, please click on the following link:
ashaveilbook.blogspot.com
An excerpt from The Pleasure Palace, my romantic comedy, can be found here:
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