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Wednesday, November 26, 2014

What I Really Want To Do For Thanksgiving

...crawl under the covers and read books all day.  I am coming up on the one-year anniversary of my huge loss in December 2013 and honestly can hardly bear this painful time, again.  Thanksgiving was the very last holiday we shared.  I think it was probably unspectacular last year as I barely celebrated it at home (I had just started chemo) and do not recall bringing any food over, but trauma has washed a lot of the memories away of that immediate time.  I remember getting a horrible feeling the very last time in the house that I would never enter that place again, and so it was, sadly enough.

I do feel it is going to take a couple more years to really get over this, but there will always be a scar.  The fallout still is a great deal of torn-down self-esteem and a lingering sense of fear that everyone I know presents a false face to me.  I know it was only one person out of many in my life right now, but it has happened before.  What would it take to trust again?  Not a miracle, but a huge amount of willingness and near-impeccable behavior from both parties.

Still, because I have a family, I have a Thanksgiving to make; otherwise, I'd really spend the day reading, or taking a walk, or watching movies, or serving dinner to homeless people or veterans.  I can't bear to go to the Zen Center's Thanksgiving this year, fun as it always has been.  I think I might be ready next year.