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Sunday, May 17, 2015

Private Journal, and a Visit

I have begun a private, encrypted journal (military style encryption) to talk about m. and the sadness I still feel since he has been gone.  I still have a tangle of emotions about it all: continuing shock, sadness, love, regret, etc, all rolled into one snarled mass.  No one can see the diary or access it but me.  I think that is good.  There is too much to write about and ponder, and work my way through.

I don't think we ever get over these people we love so deeply. People tell me he didn't deserve someone like me, that he will kick himself in time for doing what he did to me. I wonder.  There are people who do not care like this. Perhaps I cling to an image that never really was, wanting it to come back.  When I am in my Lompico house, sometimes I pretend that I am getting it ready for a visit from him.  Somehow the little wish/fantasy actually makes me happy for the time I am up there, and keeps me working!

Still, I would find it hard to explain to people what m. meant to me, despite the extreme difficulties at times, or why this is still so difficult for me.  But it is so. I think some of his family understands this.  Only one of them has let me go.  They still care about me, I think, even though I will never have my wish, that I might have been married into their fold, buttoned up and safe, at last, with good people who loved me and understood me, perhaps, and would accept all my kids, not just a few of them.  It means a lot to not be let go completely from their circle.  I have so few people other than my kids and Thistle who are really family to me.

I can't handwrite anymore since the trauma in Dec. 2013. so I can't write yet in my "paper" journal, and just writing pages in Libre doesn't help as much as an online, private journal . I expect it will take at least another couple of years to really get over what I went through, if I will ever get there 100 percent, and I don't want to regale my readers every five minutes.  I will still talk about it from time to time here, but will be venting more in the private and locked journal.  The site I am using is very good for these kind of things.  I will not reveal its name here; there are quite a few online. 

At any rate, Thistle visited with her mother today in the place where "her mother is getting well."  These visits always leave me with enormous sadness, as well as happiness at watching them be together, and seeing their relationship bloom again, little by little.  I pray nothing happens to break this little girl's heart again.  So few people really understand this kind of pain unless they live through it.

I have pictures to scan for tomorrow and an appointment to prepare for, so will cut this short and wish everyone a good week, with appreciation for your coming to this blog to read my meanderings!