In Tarot, the Fool has many meanings, but I especially like the interpretation of the Fool as a blissful innocent, fully open to whatever the universe brings. There are some tensions at work due to the impending Fall budget disaster in the California state university system, and I do not yet know whether Dr. X (my alias for the director of my department) will be able to hire me again. I do know, directly from the source, that he wants to...but no one really knows how everything is going to shape up moneywise.
So, I just make like the Fool and balance on the edge of the unknown. I don't worry. There has never been a time in my life where options were not revealed to me, where I was unable to make a path for myself. It would be very sad for me to leave my office with its beautiful view of the campus. It would break my heart not to have students to teach next semester and next year. I never really know how my illness is going to go, so every semester is precious to me anyway...but I know if my job becomes a victim of the California state budget, there is little I can do about it.
I must say here that there have been some students of mine who have gone directly to Dr. X and to the head of my MFA program and made sure to praise me as a teacher--these things do a lot of good and Dr. X always lets me know when this happens. Still, there would be no good teaching without a whole lot of excellent students and, no matter what happens to me at the alma mater, I can still count myself as blessed to have been part of many wonderful lives.
So, I keep dancing on the edge, knowing that it's possible to look into the abyss without fear.
No comments:
Post a Comment