Stepping Down

I've stepped down to 10 mg. prednisone today, an accomplishment after the level of problems with my lungs. Kali backs off, for now.

I find I have to weave activities back in slowly; the world seems full of triggers for me. I have had trauma from the times during this period that I came close to dying. I have to learn to be calm when I encounter a trigger (perfume, cigarette smoke, etc). It is understandable, this fear, given that a trigger could set off a chain reaction and I could end up in the hospital again. Getting frightened, however understandable it might be, does not help the state of my lungs and their reaction to a world full of potential asthma triggers.

People around me have been okay; one or two people have called me on trying to do so much: my tendency to try to force myself back into life despite how ill I am, like a rebellious adolescent. Part of asthma is learning to deal with denial, the same way I have had to deal with seventeen years' worth of dealing with lupus: my life is forever altered from this time. I have been called on the fact that I do not put my health and recovery first and foremost--I have never been very good at that, but now it is crucial.

What is my lesson from this time? That my body is still strong and knows the way to fight and get well again. That I have to remember I am part of a community, a family; that I can't just dump everything on my partner and immediate circle, that I have to extend outwards for support. And gratitude goes a long way: gratitude for still being here, for not dying, for this day and this moment, always a gift.