Repair

I don't know if I have told my audience that I was the one who actually ended things with the person in question, with enormous pain and even regret. There was probably no other choice at all, and one has to err on the side of living with one's choices even if one wishes things could be different or one would have done things much differently today. I wish I had reached out in kindness and asked what on earth was going on instead of erupting and ending everything with one fell swoop. But it was also a matter of "Okay, you want this? Here you go," because I categorically would not be treated in that way, by anyone.

I wish I had not let my temper get the best of me--sure, I was newly on bipolar meds, newly on chemo, had given up my job a couple of weeks before because I was too ill to work anymore, was frightened of chemo side effects and whether I would live or not through it...and then world I thought I lived in, crashed in on me. I suppose a furious temper would be understandable, but truly it is not acceptable. I certainly learned a lesson, and absolutely learned never to do that again...or at least save my anger for the world's injustices. Had I not been trying to adjust to bipolar meds (which take several weeks to kick in), or if we had done what needed to be done in person, I would not have given my friend such a drubbing via email. It is easy to be mean in an email (I used to get such missives from the person in question fairly regularly, though they tried very hard not to do so--we were both responsible for this sort of thing).

In retrospect, I should have asked for at least four to six sessions of counseling beforehand, too, which might have helped on some level, though what level is never to be known. And I believe now that it is just as painful to leave as to be left. Would I ever go back if they were willing, or maintain a friendship? I don't know, and that too is right now a fully unanswerable question. There are times life brings people together again on some level or other.

In other news, I went to my former mother-in-law's 91st birthday and Thistle has a wonderful time with her cousins, great aunt and great uncle, and her uncle and aunt also. It was fun, I had some great vanilla ice cream with blackberry sauce, and spent some time with my daughter and son. I do miss them very much and hope to see them in the future a bit more.

Well, so much for today. I am in the middle of making dinner for Thistle and me, and them am on to mending my beautiful green-and-maroon sari skirt, which has several rents in the underskirt (it is silk and some of it is beginning to shatter).

Thank you for visiting. I hope my processing of grief is of help to someone out there.