Dance + Grief + Healing

I am really loving my Thursday night American Tribal Style bellydance class with a wonderful teacher, a truly sweet soul.  I am hoping my ATS troupe, Calla Lily Tribal Dance, will come back soon.  I really miss them.  We are having breakfast on the 18th.

In the meantime, old partners of mine are coming out of the woodwork.  My first boyfriend (I was 18!) emailed me to wish my eldest son happy birthday (they share a birthday, both born on May 16th).  I need to email another one, long overdue for the coffee/lunch/dinner we have been talking about for months (I got ill before I could arrange it).  Another one sends me a poem.  I chat half the night with another one, afraid he is in the way of the fires down South; we always connect immediately and I always feel I can tell him everything and he will honor what I say.  We will not return to what we once were, any of us, but I am glad to be on good terms.  If any one of these needed me, I would help them--I already have, a couple of them.   I used to think, when I was younger, that The Hours was the dumbest movie ever--what were all these older folks who used to be partners doing, taking care of each other, seeing each other through final illnesses, etc?  Didn't they all hate each other?  And then I got into my fifties and realized that the old battle zones pretty much can dissolve and people can move into other, more peaceful ways, that as family and friends start dying off, we can still take care of one another.  They are all really good about not blabbing about their wonderful partners/girlfriends to me if they have then, which is good, and I don't tell them about mine.  That can be very wounding and sad, even after many years.  The ones I am pretty sure would flaunt such a thing to hurt me are not in my life and I am pretty sure never will be again.

I am coming out of a time of annoying, extremely painful grief in tandem with annoying, extremely painful illness.  I can honestly say that this all was very hard for me to come back to.  CG has been an angel to me--I think he knows me better than anyone on the planet at this point.  He is very good to me and to Thistle, and has made a lot of sacrifices these past few weeks because I was too ill and too injured to care for her.

Still, I am back to dancing, trying to heal from grief and illness, and glad to be doing so.  Last night I dreamed I was at my house in Lompico (a little community in the mountains). watching old, dead trees fall; it was distressing, but then I saw a beautiful view of mountains and clear blue skies.  Hopefully that is a sign things are starting to move and the deadwood of grief and physical pain is clearing off.