I gave what I believe is the best performance of my life since joining Dancers of the Crescent Moon in 2003. I smiled so much that I am amazed I don't have a permanent smile now. It was a very special night and hard to describe in its specialness...I feel that the place was totally purged for me in terms of fear and sadness, and now I feel free to go see shows there again, dance, and have fun. I did have one moment when I saw the chairs we had been sitting in the night I was groped (white folding chairs)...I felt the sadness come back and the fear, but then I connected with the amazing energy of my troupe and the positive energy of the show. The troupe lingered a bit and talked for an hour about life and death, and spirits who live on, and how death surely is not the end, and so much more--we are a family, the family I have sought all my life, and which I have now.
Tonight I danced for the woman, myself, who was enjoying a great concert years ago when someone made a decision to grope her from behind. I danced for the one who froze in her spot, who could not tell the person she was with that something had happened, for fear of "ruining" a concert (and I really doubt that would have been the reaction...it was MY fear). I danced for the woman, myself, who held all the fear and sadness in, trying so hard to be "good" until it overwhelmed her. I danced for the courage that no one saw but myself, to bring myself back from that terrible time.
I danced too for every woman who has ever been told she is to blame for a sexual assault, who is told that her "victim" behavior precipitated it, for every woman whose partner rejects them forever because of the myth that she is "tainted" and imperfect. Women are not tainted by sexual abuse. Women do not ask for it, they do not precipitate it, they do not wallow in victimhood when they experience the fallout of sexual assault. I hope every woman understands that truth and tells anyone who questions that truth, frankly, to fuck off.
I danced for every woman who has been told she is inadequate, stupid, old, ugly. I dance for every woman whose partner has turned away from her stretch marks, her non-Playboy-bunny body, whose partner refuses over and over to treat her like a person worthy of respect, love, and dignity.
I danced for every woman who has been told to shut up, in all the ways we are told to be silent.
I feel tonight that I was resurrected completely from that horrible time and the insensitive people around me who dared to insinuate that I had drawn that experience to myself, who sided with the abuser in that way. I will not side with my abuser by saying I enticed him for any reason.
I danced for every woman who works hard to get over such an experience.
I danced for every woman who does this healing work even in the face of blaming and rejection by family and loved ones. This should never be anyone's experience, but it was mine. My therapist opined recently that my breakdown could have been avoided if I had been given kindness and understanding back then rather than rejection.
And the strength I found tonight has been here all along. I was willing to live under the shadow of hatred for being what I was: female.
Tonight, I reject all that; I ask for such unenlightened beings to be brought to understanding of how things really are with women. Men suffer too, but in my experience, men are the ones who time after time bring harm to the table. Cannot you bring kindess and undertstanding, REAL kindness and understanding instead, and cast yourselves in the role of real compassion, not blame someone for something they never asked for and didn't see coming?
It was a lot to carry tonight, but out of it, joy and peace bloomed in my life again.
And so it is, and is, and is.
No comments:
Post a Comment