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Monday, July 28, 2014

Sleepy

Note to self: running around after a small child at a park is tiring!

That is all. Goodnight.

Sunday, July 27, 2014

Golly Gosh

What a full day with Thistle, and my elder daughter's visit also.  We went up to the little park above my house.  Thistle and I later went down to the creek, where we saw a crayfish (aka known as crawdad and mudbug)--I have not seen one in years, as they are pretty shy and elusive.  It seemed to bloom out of the mud and I was not quite sure what I was seeing.

I saw one healthy, fat salmon fry with good striping, but it seemed to want to hang in the shallows where there are fallen branches.  The creek seems to be the favored spot for raccoons, as there are often paw prints in the creek mud--but also there are prints of a fox from time to time.

Then Thistle got a baptism in the creek by falling in, partially--I was trying to help her across the stream using creek stones, but she got a bit impatient and started forging ahead--and SPLASH!  We soon remedied this by going up to the house and changing into jammies (Thistle has a cute pair with crab-print pants and a shirt that says, "Bedtime makes me crabby!"

I looked over my last post: honestly, a huge percentage of people in the world, I think, would love to have a sustainable job to go to, then return home at night, and be a bit more of a "hermit" than they are now!  Honestly, that would be an ideal life for some!

Thanks for stopping by.

Very True

I think happiness, even in a sad time of life endurance, is possible...making a decision to be happy one day at a time.

I remember that the last time something like this happened, it took three years to get over the grief to the point where it no longer intruded in my thoughts or feelings on a daily basis. Since this time, as then, was such a sudden blow, it will probably take that long.

I am so glad I have Thistle and a family, writing and dance. I would hate to have some bleak life where I just got up, went to work, and lived otherwise like a hermit. I mean, some people like that...what I just described is a dream life to some, but not for me.

Dangers

Casey was out of town with his family for some time, but gave me an IM to see how I am doing. I told him I am sorry he has had to be my sounding board through all this. He was very kind--after all, he's seen me through so much pain these last few months. He said he'd like to see me get into the position of discernment with people, that in his opinion, the person in question actually didn't really care about me. I begged to differ, but he had his say. He said he has never seen me go through so much suffering, and that I was, in his eyes, working very hard to rise above it, not wallow in it.

I am working on discernment, if only for the sake of Thistle going out into the world so soon, with kindergarten starting in early September. There will be so many people in her life, and I feel that I can't smother her, but at the same time, my role in her life is to protect her, to teach her to be strong, to resist being victimized, because above all, people who hurt children are opportunistic, manipulative, and don't care if they hurt and victimize, as long as they get what they want...and sickeningly, when it's a sexual predator, they often claim they are "in love" with the child, that what they do "is mutual and not harmful"--I mean, how can a person live like this in the world? How can they live with themselves, with such a criminal mindset?

Casey said in his opinion, these sorts never are able to have a real relationship with a mature, intelligent adult even if they want to, that it always falls apart in the wake of the pathology eventually, and that sometimes a predator uses their "adult" relationship as "cover" to get close to their underage target, using the hapless "significant other" in the relationship. This actually happened to me, though the obsession was not a child, when someone was given a volunteer position and asked me to help them with it, just so they could weasel closer to an unwitting target. It's sick, and it's hard to believe in the sincerity of human relationships after being so deceived by that. Right now the person I trust the most is Casey--he's safe, he's very kind to me (though I really don't see him and his wife and kids often enough) and he's very much a "big brother" to me.

I was reading a new book about sexual predators (Predators by Anna Salter--yes, I know I'm stuck on the theme like a broken record, but this was important for me to read, as I am sending Thistle out into the world). It was written by a criminal defense lawyer and is literally the most eye-opening book I have ever read on the subject. Two of the most chilling parts:

!) An interview with a pedophile priest who said he would willingly have risked jail for just one chance to get at a child (which is basically why he is behind bars right now). This is unbelievable. Risking life imprisonment for the one chance to practice such sickness...how insane is that?

2) A story of a sociopath who charmed a whole community, was a civic leader, etc--and a serial rapist. When caught, the town rejoiced that he was put away, but a few months later, people were beginning to miss him, even contact him in jail! Their reasoning? They missed him and his charisma, the whole front he put up! He was still exerting his charm on a whole town of people!

You will come away from this book a LOT more cautious about security in general, including home security (the author lost her keys once and a criminal got ahold of them and used them to get into her house, even though she lost them miles away from where she lived).

These books actually don't depress me--they help me realized that there are truly fucked-up people in the world and that I have to understand them from a position of strength. There is no such thing as "too cautious".

Thanks again, Casey.




Saturday, July 26, 2014

Performance!

I had a performance today with my troupe at Litha Faire on Santa Cruz,and it went quite well. I often reflect on the fact that it takes hours to get ready and it takes fifteen or twenty minutes to perform.

No friendly face in the crowd (ego someone I know, family or friends), but a kind audience.

Discovered that the coin belt I wear for my summer costume had mold spots on it (my house gets very damp in winter). I thought I might be able to repair the damage after I got rid of the mold, but it had considerably weakened the fabric. I ordered a new one rather than struggle to embroider over weakened fabric. I usually just resign myself to repair, but am learning that sometime you have to replace it.

The stone of grief, though less, is really here today, probably because I miss the person in question today. It is something I just live with these days.

Time to get my stage makeup off.

Thursday, July 24, 2014

Calm Day

Today I wrote a little, had some grieving, did some sewing. Thistle's therapist talked to me about whether I am happy in my home life with CG (I cannot share more than that but she is worried about me) and then, feeling sad about a few things, bought Thistle too many small toys (bubbles, a slinky, etc).

At any rate, the day passed, and so it goes.

Tuesday, July 22, 2014

Says More

I am sorry to say that one of my less endearing traits is a lack of patience with people whom I sense are "weak". This is an illusion...most people, including myself, are a combination of weak and strong. I feel I was not being fair to the person in question in my last post...sure, it's true I was not often complimented, but he did really try.
There are always reasons behind the ways we are, or are not. Often when I am angry or sad, I am not fair in my assessments of people.

I am going to turn now to my sewing (working on my costume headpiece), but just wanted to elaborate a bit.

Monday, July 21, 2014

Two

Looking upon the magnificent-hearted brother of the person in question as he wished his wife a happy birthday (his wife is a wonderful woman and a great parent, as is he), I reflected upon how the person in question never complimented me, never made an effort to know me, made fun of my writing and pretty much the entire body of English literature, would announce to a group of strangers writing with us for nanowrimo that my daughter was in jail (which is true, but still...she is doing much better now, though she still has a long way to go)....well, you have to wonder why two brothers out of three would get all the kindness, effectiveness, humor, patience, and stability, like there was not enough to go around or something. I really did ask for a few compliments, support with my writing, etc--I tried not to be demanding or ask what he could not give...but really, there was nothing, though plenty of criticism.

I AM glad the person in questions's family loves him...he has his good points too. Still, I am left wondering why the gene for respecting women really didn't go all the way around. Maybe it is there--I think I saw it sometimes--but it is not enough to just show love and respect at the beginning....

In other news, Thistle and I had to hike through the woods today, as our road was blocked by people from the water company repairing a broken pipe...water is even more important in a drought, and now we have lost more.

Sunday, July 20, 2014

Stitch

I have been inspired by mending to pull out some of my unfinished cross stitch pieces (kitschy as they are, from the French geese-and-slate blue color schemes of the 90s). It is relaxing and nice to get a simple project done.

The singing group met tonight....unfortunately with two new songs that I really disliked from the infamous Thursday night class. Now I get to sing them all the time!! Pretty funny...at least my teacher put a folkish spin on them.
One of them has such awful lyrics and it was always funny to watch the class singing the song like it was such a masterpiece.

Well, when I am on hiatus from my Shekinah dance group's classes, I will be back on Thursday night's to sing that song, too.

Saturday, July 19, 2014

Repair

I don't know if I have told my audience that I was the one who actually ended things with the person in question, with enormous pain and even regret. There was probably no other choice at all, and one has to err on the side of living with one's choices even if one wishes things could be different or one would have done things much differently today. I wish I had reached out in kindness and asked what on earth was going on instead of erupting and ending everything with one fell swoop. But it was also a matter of "Okay, you want this? Here you go," because I categorically would not be treated in that way, by anyone.

I wish I had not let my temper get the best of me--sure, I was newly on bipolar meds, newly on chemo, had given up my job a couple of weeks before because I was too ill to work anymore, was frightened of chemo side effects and whether I would live or not through it...and then world I thought I lived in, crashed in on me. I suppose a furious temper would be understandable, but truly it is not acceptable. I certainly learned a lesson, and absolutely learned never to do that again...or at least save my anger for the world's injustices. Had I not been trying to adjust to bipolar meds (which take several weeks to kick in), or if we had done what needed to be done in person, I would not have given my friend such a drubbing via email. It is easy to be mean in an email (I used to get such missives from the person in question fairly regularly, though they tried very hard not to do so--we were both responsible for this sort of thing).

In retrospect, I should have asked for at least four to six sessions of counseling beforehand, too, which might have helped on some level, though what level is never to be known. And I believe now that it is just as painful to leave as to be left. Would I ever go back if they were willing, or maintain a friendship? I don't know, and that too is right now a fully unanswerable question. There are times life brings people together again on some level or other.

In other news, I went to my former mother-in-law's 91st birthday and Thistle has a wonderful time with her cousins, great aunt and great uncle, and her uncle and aunt also. It was fun, I had some great vanilla ice cream with blackberry sauce, and spent some time with my daughter and son. I do miss them very much and hope to see them in the future a bit more.

Well, so much for today. I am in the middle of making dinner for Thistle and me, and them am on to mending my beautiful green-and-maroon sari skirt, which has several rents in the underskirt (it is silk and some of it is beginning to shatter).

Thank you for visiting. I hope my processing of grief is of help to someone out there.

Mending Hours

Really, I am not fixated on grief. It takes sometimes up to a couple of years to really have life accommodate a grief, fully.

I am grateful today for getting to some much needed mending, and I am grateful to have been patient with Thistle today as she spent at least an hour crying.

It was a day that included both grief and mending.

Thursday, July 17, 2014

Did Not Get to Go

I did not get to see my son play a gig at one of the many local concert venues, because a mutual relative, angry over something to do with Thistle's adoption, is there and I am afraid would cause trouble. It probably seems there are dozens of people in my life like thus, but there are only two, and one is someone I simply do not want to bother.

I feel sad about all of this. There is really no more to say.


Speaking of which, a dream of the person in question: sitting at a desk opposite me, writing by hand, looking up at me from time to time.

Wednesday, July 16, 2014

Sword Roll

My dance troupe is getting ready for Desert Dance Festival in September. One dance I am doing...or, rather, we are doing, is our sword dance. It is great fun and involves me rolling on my stomach over to my back, then over to my stomach again, all while lying down on the floor and balancing one huge, heavy mother of a sword on my head.

As I write this, sadness: no friendly face in the crowd, the one I always sought out and smiled at.

And still, I dance.